Family Circumstances

In class we have looked at a few case studies to give us the opportunity to apply our knowledge of the different principles that we have learned in our class. It has been intriguing to look at other families and how they might deal with the crisis in their life. Some of the families we have examined have had things happen to their personal possessions, such as a house fire, whereas others have lost a child or other loved one in the family. All in all, most of the same principles apply to all the scenarios. This got me thinking that why should we only apply these things when we are going through a crisis? Shouldn't we apply them in our lives now so that we can maybe make these inevitable crises maybe a little less harsh? What if we were mindful in our everyday lives- we would see more of the real world, meaning we would not pass judgment because our judgment really doesn't matter in most cases. Mindfulness includes not judging situations, nor labeling them good or bad. It includes noticing things around us that might have gone unnoticed if we had been more self-absorbed, and less mindful. It includes listening and studying things out. What if we did this as we studied spiritual topics? Wouldn't the spirit be better able to be with us if we spent far less time judging everything?
I know that this helps in my own marriage as I get to take a step back and use a little less of my emotional mind, use a little more of my rational mind and combine them to use my "wise mind". This lets me let go of unnecessary frustrations, and see that sometimes things just happen. I really have enjoyed seeing that all families go through stresses and frustrations, but if given the right tools they can make it through the hardest of times with a little help from the tools that they have learned to use so they can function as a family. As it is Christmas time I think that family is the most important. Maybe we all could use the extra benefit of being more mindful, and less selfish, and let it carry on throughout the year! Christmas is a time to celebrate Christ, and I love that the whole world can celebrate it!

Stability and Flexibility

What makes our lives stable or flexible? What makes the difference? Why is it that stability to one person is chaos to another? And when people think that their life is very stable and settled, another might think it is too rigid. How do find the happy medium for ourselves?
We can find the right mix of:
- flexibility and change
- individuality and connectedness
- autonomy and predictability
Without flexibility everything becomes a crisis. But with too much flexibility nothing becomes a crisis, which is also a problem I think. Children enjoy having stability, as a matter of fact- they seem to thrive on it. We also need to give children a chance to self-regulate. If they are over-regulated, when given the chance, the child will swing to the other end of the spectrum. Sometimes we let the things that we don't like become the forbidden fruit, which makes it all the more wanted by the child.
Children with autism, and some other disabilities, thrive on structured days. They are at the far extreme. They need the rigid schedule to function. We all need some sense of rigidity, but also letting ourselves be flexible when the time comes that we need to change.

Resiliency and Risks

One of the main things that we correlate with Risk is poverty. We can see a lot of things that seem to cause the major risks associated with it.
Some are:
- malnutrition
- gang violence
- lower education
- drop out of school
- substance abuse
- single parent families
- poor schools
- domestic abuse
- low birth weight

We can see that the places that we feel are full of poverty are sometimes associated these characteristics. Why? Why are they at such a higher risk? What puts them there? We could say money, or we could say it is all circumstantial. I feel that there is a tradition that happens in families that they don't even realize that they practice. I have learned in past classes that it typically takes 3 generations for a family to leave poverty. I think that we don't realize how much influence our parents and grandparents have on our future.

So what makes us Resilient? I got talking with my husband about how we can make our children be more resilient, and we decided that we wanted our children to be optimistic, have good work ethic, and understand their emotions. These are how we want our children to learn resiliency. I can see that for me, becoming resilient was part of being the 5th child of 11. I didn't have a lot one on one time with my parents, so I had to deal with a lot of things on my own. I was still very supported, but I still learned a lot about taking care of things by myself. I think that if we let our children have the chance to do some things on their own then they have more experience under their belt.

How to recover from the death of a loved one

There are many ways that a family can feel stress. We talked about losing a loved one in class. This can be one of the hardest things to go through and there is no one way that we can all deal with it. We spoke of a family that lost a 6 year old boy, he was also a twin. How could this bring the family together, or pull them apart? What makes the difference to whether the family bonds, or falls apart?

I think something that might pull a family apart if they grieve alone. I can see that if all of them decide to grieve in their own way then they will become more focused on themselves rather than on the family as a whole. Another that might pull them apart is the possibility of them blaming each other. This same family that we discussed in class had their son on life support, and they had to decide whether they should keep him on it, or give the machine to someone else that needed it as well. The family as a whole decided to take the brother off of the life support. I can see that if the decision was not made as an entire family that they had the possibility of falling apart and pulling away from each other.

I think that the main thing that this family did right was make the decisions together. This is what made them all bond. I know that they did this through the power of prayer. If they had not all been influenced by the spirit then the opportunity for them to help each other would have maybe been lost. There was the possibility of them blaming each other and running apart, but they did not, they made the decision together.

I know that my own family has grown from this as well. I had written previously about my brother dying, but this has brought up the old feelings of gratitude and love that we all felt so close. I know that we get to choose our reactions to the huge stressors in our lives. We can either be devastated by them, or become empowered by them.

The Council Method

We talk about how organized the church is, but for some reason we don't keep our homes with the same organization and perspective as the Latter Day Saints Church does. But now we are presented with the Council method that the first presidency and the quorum of the twelve use in their meetings.
The Council Method starts with organization: those involved are informed about the meeting, and are given and itinerary for the meeting.
The first thing they do when they get to the meeting is show their appreciation for each other. How many groups of people do this to start meetings? I can't think of very many, and that they come out with the same resolve as the the quorum of the twelve and the first presidency do. I love this step and that they can grow so much more love for each other through this.
Next, they start with prayer. They invite the spirit to come and to help them make the correct decisions. If we are putting our hearts where they to be to make a proper and informed decision, then we are humbling ourselves to the point of making a consensus. Which is the next step.
Their decisions all need to line up so they form a consensus, not a compromise. They all need to agree or else they will not proceed with the decision. Imagine using this in our homes- what if we had everyone in on the decisions and made sure that they all felt good about it? I think that if this were implemented in the beginning of the family that this could work out and help everyone become closer.
After, they close again with a prayer. This helps them keep the spirit with them after the meeting.
Once the meeting is over, they have dessert with each other. Who can be mad when they are eating pie? I think that we become more open to others lives, and have the opportunity to build relationships with people that we might not otherwise. This brings all of the meeting together with a happy close.
I think that using the council method would bring families closer together and that this would bring more respect between family members that would probably not be there otherwise.

Emotional Distortions

When we get mad, angry, sad, disappointed, irritated, inferior, embarrassed, etc.- sometimes we skew our view of the world. What are we making ourselves believe when we are feeling these strong feelings? What are we taking away from ourselves when we can't get past the anger or disappointment? Now you are thinking: "That's just the way I am, I'll get over it!".....but let me tell you, there are typically residual feelings that are brought back up.
When I was in Jr. High (7th and 8th grade) I was in a good place in my life spiritually (odd, I know!). I had made a goal that if I thought anything bad about someone I would instantly think of something nice about them. I trained my brain to do this automatically, and it was great while it lasted! When I finally got to high school, things weren't as happy go lucky. But I bring this up because of the CBT process. I love that is helps us be honest with ourselves about what really happened.
It starts with writing out the situation that intensified your emotions (some of the emotions are listed in the beginning sentence). Then you go through the listed emotions and circle the ones that you felt in the situation. The next part is very important: you must write down your negative thoughts word for word so that you can be honest to yourself. Then you write how much you believed them in the moment (0-100%) and how much you believe it now in the same scale. Next you write the emotional distortions that your thoughts had- all or nothing, blame, labeling, mental filter, etc. And lastly you write down a more positive thought corresponding to a negative one that you believe 100%. This will help you gain a better understanding of your intellect and how you process thoughts.
This process has brought me to an odd understanding: my thought processes in difficult situations are very similar and I have the same distortions in different situations. There are some things that I can see might hurt my marriage eventually, and others that might hurt me if I dwell on them long enough. I want to be able to be how I was when I was in 7th grade: happy and kind inside and out. It will take a lot of work, but we can bring ourselves to a higher level of thinking and living if we can discount our negative thoughts and switch them out for more positive ones. We can change our outlook on a lot situations, and may be better able to raise a family as we are seeing the good rather than dwelling on the bad.

Stress and Coping

Now that a new semester has started, I am taking a "Stress and Coping" class. I wasn't sure how the teacher was going to fill the entire semester with stuff to talk about but as we've gotten going I am trying to figure out how we are going to cover all the info in the 14 week semester!

Thought this was funny, but please don't do this haha

Stress does not only mean to have something pulled tight or a pressure. Dictionary.com said: Importance attached to a thing, emphasis in melody, rhythm, etc.; beat. The physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another; strain. The main definition that stuck out to me was the emphasis in rhythm. What typically stresses us out is a decision that we have made. This affects us in many ways: as we regret the decision, as we try and work through the stress, and how we “cope” with it. In my opinion our daily rhythm sometimes is our own personal stressor and we need to focus more on a goal that we can achieve rather than if something will or won’t go as we had planned.

Synonyms for distress are: ache, affliction, anguish, anxiety, care, concern. The synonyms for stress are: accent, beat, force, import, importance, significance (Just another way to separate the words). Distress seems like it is unresolved stress that hasn’t been addressed.

As we talk about coping, it strikes me that the actual word “coping” is used in so many different circumstances and that we probably don’t really have a grasp on the word.  One of the definitions of the word was: “to join”(dictionary.com). Maybe that is what coping is about- coming together. Can we find the rhythm of our life, and those that are causing us the stress/are living in the stress with us, and join them into a melody? I think that as I have looked at the definitions of these words that their underlying meanings have come to light.

I am finding that there are many ways that families deal with their stress, and not all of them are good. When we are stressed we put ourselves in such a delicate balance of our wants and our needs and we get these more confused when we are stressed than at really any other time in our lives.

I have had a little bit more difficult time dealing with the stress in my life of going to school, working 2 jobs, and being married- it puts a stress on  every aspect of my life! I have learned in this first week of class that I need to find the root of my stress and deal with that first then I will be better able to keep my head on the level with all of the other things going on in my life. I need to take it one day at a time and make it through one semester at a time rather than trying to think 3 semesters ahead and how I might be able to handle that better.