How to recover from the death of a loved one

There are many ways that a family can feel stress. We talked about losing a loved one in class. This can be one of the hardest things to go through and there is no one way that we can all deal with it. We spoke of a family that lost a 6 year old boy, he was also a twin. How could this bring the family together, or pull them apart? What makes the difference to whether the family bonds, or falls apart?

I think something that might pull a family apart if they grieve alone. I can see that if all of them decide to grieve in their own way then they will become more focused on themselves rather than on the family as a whole. Another that might pull them apart is the possibility of them blaming each other. This same family that we discussed in class had their son on life support, and they had to decide whether they should keep him on it, or give the machine to someone else that needed it as well. The family as a whole decided to take the brother off of the life support. I can see that if the decision was not made as an entire family that they had the possibility of falling apart and pulling away from each other.

I think that the main thing that this family did right was make the decisions together. This is what made them all bond. I know that they did this through the power of prayer. If they had not all been influenced by the spirit then the opportunity for them to help each other would have maybe been lost. There was the possibility of them blaming each other and running apart, but they did not, they made the decision together.

I know that my own family has grown from this as well. I had written previously about my brother dying, but this has brought up the old feelings of gratitude and love that we all felt so close. I know that we get to choose our reactions to the huge stressors in our lives. We can either be devastated by them, or become empowered by them.

The Council Method

We talk about how organized the church is, but for some reason we don't keep our homes with the same organization and perspective as the Latter Day Saints Church does. But now we are presented with the Council method that the first presidency and the quorum of the twelve use in their meetings.
The Council Method starts with organization: those involved are informed about the meeting, and are given and itinerary for the meeting.
The first thing they do when they get to the meeting is show their appreciation for each other. How many groups of people do this to start meetings? I can't think of very many, and that they come out with the same resolve as the the quorum of the twelve and the first presidency do. I love this step and that they can grow so much more love for each other through this.
Next, they start with prayer. They invite the spirit to come and to help them make the correct decisions. If we are putting our hearts where they to be to make a proper and informed decision, then we are humbling ourselves to the point of making a consensus. Which is the next step.
Their decisions all need to line up so they form a consensus, not a compromise. They all need to agree or else they will not proceed with the decision. Imagine using this in our homes- what if we had everyone in on the decisions and made sure that they all felt good about it? I think that if this were implemented in the beginning of the family that this could work out and help everyone become closer.
After, they close again with a prayer. This helps them keep the spirit with them after the meeting.
Once the meeting is over, they have dessert with each other. Who can be mad when they are eating pie? I think that we become more open to others lives, and have the opportunity to build relationships with people that we might not otherwise. This brings all of the meeting together with a happy close.
I think that using the council method would bring families closer together and that this would bring more respect between family members that would probably not be there otherwise.

Emotional Distortions

When we get mad, angry, sad, disappointed, irritated, inferior, embarrassed, etc.- sometimes we skew our view of the world. What are we making ourselves believe when we are feeling these strong feelings? What are we taking away from ourselves when we can't get past the anger or disappointment? Now you are thinking: "That's just the way I am, I'll get over it!".....but let me tell you, there are typically residual feelings that are brought back up.
When I was in Jr. High (7th and 8th grade) I was in a good place in my life spiritually (odd, I know!). I had made a goal that if I thought anything bad about someone I would instantly think of something nice about them. I trained my brain to do this automatically, and it was great while it lasted! When I finally got to high school, things weren't as happy go lucky. But I bring this up because of the CBT process. I love that is helps us be honest with ourselves about what really happened.
It starts with writing out the situation that intensified your emotions (some of the emotions are listed in the beginning sentence). Then you go through the listed emotions and circle the ones that you felt in the situation. The next part is very important: you must write down your negative thoughts word for word so that you can be honest to yourself. Then you write how much you believed them in the moment (0-100%) and how much you believe it now in the same scale. Next you write the emotional distortions that your thoughts had- all or nothing, blame, labeling, mental filter, etc. And lastly you write down a more positive thought corresponding to a negative one that you believe 100%. This will help you gain a better understanding of your intellect and how you process thoughts.
This process has brought me to an odd understanding: my thought processes in difficult situations are very similar and I have the same distortions in different situations. There are some things that I can see might hurt my marriage eventually, and others that might hurt me if I dwell on them long enough. I want to be able to be how I was when I was in 7th grade: happy and kind inside and out. It will take a lot of work, but we can bring ourselves to a higher level of thinking and living if we can discount our negative thoughts and switch them out for more positive ones. We can change our outlook on a lot situations, and may be better able to raise a family as we are seeing the good rather than dwelling on the bad.